Joy and sorrows

I was finally happy today..after so long.. BUT..that was for a short period of time!

As you know dear diary, that all my friends, including RV, are in a different course. Today Palak told me that they all were going to some studio of a news channel to be a part of the audience as some famous business entrepreneur had been invited to host the show. RV was made the in-charge of the team. He could decide who to take. He also asked me if I wanted to go. "I am not from your course. How can I go?" I asked him with a mixed feeling of excitement and astonishment. I was astonished because I have stopped feeling that he wants to spend time with me. But to my utter surprise he said, "So what? I'll manage. Come along. It will be a nice experience." I immediately agreed. I was cheerful that day. I was going to spend a little time with RV after so long. So what if others were going to be present too. 

Everyone gathered inside the college. We were all waiting for the cab. RV was sitting in the veranda. I went and sat next to him. But this time when I sat with him I could not feel that warmth, that easiness in RV that had drawn me towards him. He was always cold towards other girls but never towards me. Now i was feeling like that other girl sitting with a person who was far far away from me. Adi bhaiya wanted to click a picture of us together. He is a great photographer. But RV denied. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed more than the time when Abhi and Kashif had said together, "It is not our fault if RV does not give a damn about you." I realized everyone had started noticing RV' s indifferent attitude towards me

I had told this to RV then. He was angry at them. He had said, "It is none of their business. Tell them to stop poking their noses in others' affairs." This answer had satisfied me then. But RV's own behavior is defeating his words. He has made this a public affair by showing how little he is affected by my presence.

The cab arrived after a short while. RV did not sit with me. It would have been alright if he had chosen to sit with his friends. But he went to sit with Kim. Kim is just a classmate and as far as I know RV he does not go around sitting with other girls when I am with him. It pinched a bit but I got over with it without noticing it much. But my anger knew no limits when RV sat with someone else after coming back from the studio. We all came back to college and were sitting in the classroom. RV went and sat with Naina. He was chatting with her and paying no attention to me. I wouldn't have cared about this if  RV and I have a lot of time to spend together otherwise. But I was seeing him after ages. What was wrong with him?

A little later, we all went to our adda. Today was a beautiful spring evening. I was chatting with others to deviate my mind from RV. But then something final happened. I could take it no more. RV again went to sit with Naina and I saw RV's mobile with Naina. She was checking his phone. RV has never even let me touch his phone. His phone has always been a mystery to me. But that girl was checking his phone which was just unbearable. This was the first time I had been so pissed by him. At once i got up to go home.Then I remembered that I had to go to a relative's place. I boarded the next bus from the stop and sat their feeling like a nobody. This was the first time I had reacted like this. Never could I have imagined waling away from RV without saying good-bye. I sat their thinking of nothing but trying to figure out my mistake. I tried to calm down but eventually my anger gave way to my tears and I could not help crying. I buried my head in my arms to escape the embarrassment of crying in public.

I was going over a few questions over and over again. What is my fault? What have I done? I have always been there even when he has treated me like sh*t. Then why is he doing this? I was confused and hurt. Then suddenly I got a message from RV, "What happened?" I should have been happy seeing RV's name because he was sending me a message after 3 months and he was infact showing concern. But the text made me angrier. Like he did not know what had happened. Like he was so innocent and sweet. Like I had left without saying a word just like that. I looked out of the window as if the answers were waiting for me there. I did not reply to the message. That was so unlike me. But RV had crossed all his limits. After a few hours, when I had calmed down a bit, I messaged him saying "Nothing. Had to leave urgently." Now we have been chatting for hours on facebook but I have not brought up that topic. But this thing has already hurt me and I am not able to get this out of my mind. I hope this feeling of anguish goes away soon.