.. I had to tell him. I knew that just one message would change everything for us and for this relationship. But I also knew that this couldn't go on forever. So I messaged back, "I want to confess. Please forgive me for whatever I have to say." He replied, "Yes, go ahead." It seemed as if everything around me was forcing me to tell him the truth. "I lied to you about my past. I have had many relationships earlier. I told you I was committed only once before you came into my life. But it was a lie. I have had many boyfriends. I hid my past because when I came to college I wanted to leave my past behind, I wanted to start afresh. But my past is haunting me till date." I expected to get a shocked reaction in reply. But instead what I got was not what I had imagined. "I know all your past already. I came to know everything after 1 month of our relationship. But I wanted you to tell me the truth. And I was waiting for the day when you would. But you never told me and today I had to force it out of you. Tell me everything about your past and present, every single detail. And I don't know for what reasons you hid your past and don't expect me to trust you on anything." What followed as a dreadful conversation. I tremble even at the thought of it.
My world was shattering in front of me. 3 in the morning, this was what I was getting. But I was to be blamed for everything because I had broken his trust. I had ruined this relationship. But trust me, this relationship is everything to me. It is my life. Whatever happened in the past, is gone now. It does not matter to me. The only person I care about is Rohan. And he will never trust me again. Initially, I had not told him about my past because I wanted to move on in life and the day he proposed me, I could not think of anything beyond Rohan. How could I tell him then. I was a coward. I could not find the courage to tell him once I got involved with him. He has accused me of being ashamed of my past. But yes, I am ashamed of it. Those were just passing flings; Immature decisions. Not that I had crossed my limits. But now he will not believe me. Not a word of what I say. And I am hurt for him as well. If I was in his place, I would have been devastated. He might be in the same situation right now. I have always made mistakes and because of this big mistake I am very close to losing the one man I love. How will he ever forgive me. It has been two days and he hasn't replied to any of my messages and calls since then. He told me he had fallen ill. I hope he is fine. I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. He said he will not break off this relationship but it will take time to build back the love and trust. I am waiting for just a call. I asked Kashif to call him and check if he is fine. He did answer the phone. Thank God, he is alright. But why isn't he replying to my messages. I haven't slept in these two days. The only thing I do is stare..stare at the walls, stare off into space..I cannot share this with anybody because Rohan hates when I discuss our relationship with people. He despises this habit in me. But I cannot live without speaking about my problems and now I cannot speak about my problems.
My tears have almost dried up. A sense of numbness is taking over me. At times I cry and at times I just sit at one place silently for hours without moving. I don't feel sleepy. . I just want him to talk to me. I cannot even blame him for my condition. I wronged him. I lied to him. I deceived him! He might be in a more pathetic situation than mine. The one girl he loved and trusted...
But there are certain things that have been bothering me. Who told him the truth about my life? He knows each and every bit of it. As if he was present in my past. As if someone hates me so much that he did this to me. And I know that I do have enemies. I did hurt quite a lot of people in the past. And why did he not ask me about my life on the day he came to know about it. He waited for 5 months. How did he deal with it everyday? Now I know the reason for his rude behaviour. His sudden mood swings and change in attitude. But things had started to be normal again. Why did he play along? I don't have a right to ask him anything right now. I am dreading the day when I will have to face him. I will not be able to look him in the eye. The only thing I can do is to wait now. Wait for things to happen. Wait for a miracle...wait for RV....the love of my life!