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6/05/2013

Rendezvous with reality

It has been almost a month. RV has talked to me only twice since the time I told him the truth. Even when he talked, he wanted me to feel ashamed and guilty all the time. If I made a joke, he would say that I had to be very shameless to be still making jokes. That dampened my spirits further. But the the truth is that the only time I have really been alive in this one month, was the time I talked to him.


The days are disturbing and nights are scary. I haven’t slept properly in days. I don’t talk to or meet people. I sit here on this bed every day, waiting…waiting for something miraculous to happen. I pray to God every single moment for Rohan to forgive me. I am not even certain if this relation will survive after this turmoil. It is too much for me to take. I have made Rohan my life…and a life without him is not worth living. I don’t want to live; I want to die. Those moments…memories…love…everything flashes before me and tears roll down my eyes. I haven’t done a thing in this last month. I don’t allow anybody in my room or go out of the room, except for the time I have to have my meals. Once I went out of the house to finish a chore and I started shedding tears whilst walking. I became the center of attention for onlookers.

At nights I sit on the roof and cry..cry for hours till the sun rises and the hot summer sun forces me to go inside. Then I sleep for a couple of hours and when I wake up, everything dawns upon me and I start crying again. It is traumatizing. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. I miss Rohan, I miss my friends, but I don’t want to talk to them, and most importantly I miss myself. But nothing can make me happy. This life is a burden and I can’t get through this. I have no one to talk to because if I discuss my relation with anyone, it will piss Rohan off. And I can’t afford to make him angry again.
I wonder what he must be going through. I was his first and I broke his trust. He will never be able to trust again. I know him. He doesn’t express himself but he is sad inside. He is the one suffering the most. I feel guilty. I wish I could turn back time. I could just bring back that one moment when he proposed me and tell him the truth…just that one moment! But what’s done cannot be undone. I have to live with the guilt of ruining his life.

But today things might change. I don’t have the slightest idea as to what direction things will take. Rohan is coming to see me today. He is going to meet me today after more than a month. I have to leave for my grandmother’s house in Punjab tomorrow and I will return after two months. So he has finally made up his mind to talk to me. This will be the first time after I told him the truth. That was over phone. I am scared to face him. How will I look at him? I am too ashamed to do that. How will I talk to him? What will I say? These questions are haunting me. I am trembling while writing this. He said he will be here in half an hour. This half an hour feels like a decade. It is the most difficult half an hour..but all I can do is wait…wait to see what turn my life will take.

5 comments:

  1. Well, I have been on and off on your blog for more than a year now i guess. For one, you really do know how to finish on a cliffhanger, make people wait for the next bit. But, you are doing an excellent job with the story-telling bit at least as I see it.

    PS- You will hear from me soon. :)

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  2. Thank you for your feedback. And I am sorry for not being very regular

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  4. Sir/Madam ,

    We hope everything is well at your end.

    We’ve contacted you as we, EACF are hosting a workshop, Romance Conclave in the first week of August.
    We are here looking for talent to perform at our Workshop.
    It’s an ideal platform to show and and get notice to the industry / media and corporate sector .
    We need –
    1. Prominent psychologists
    2. A stand-up comic who can prepare a script.
    3. Romance writers.
    4. Experienced persons of the subject.
    5. Other ideas to get involved with the events organised by us.

    Our workshop will be followed by three sessions i.e. Coupling, Love and Bonding. For more info, contact eshaarya7@gmail.com

    Facebook page : https://www.facebook.com/RomanceConclave/

    Do share your contact details with us, so we can take this forward as soon as possible!
    More queries? Feel free to contact us!

    Awaiting a positive a revert!

    Regards,
    Esha Arya
    Events art culture festival
    D-49, Defence Colony, New Delhi.

    ReplyDelete

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