Rendezvous with reality

It has been almost a month. RV has talked to me only twice since the time I told him the truth. Even when he talked, he wanted me to feel ashamed and guilty all the time. If I made a joke, he would say that I had to be very shameless to be still making jokes. That dampened my spirits further. But the the truth is that the only time I have really been alive in this one month, was the time I talked to him.

The days are disturbing and nights are scary. I haven’t slept properly in days. I don’t talk to or meet people. I sit here on this bed every day, waiting…waiting for something miraculous to happen. I pray to God every single moment for Rohan to forgive me. I am not even certain if this relation will survive after this turmoil. It is too much for me to take. I have made Rohan my life…and a life without him is not worth living. I don’t want to live; I want to die. Those moments…memories…love…everything flashes before me and tears roll down my eyes. I haven’t done a thing in this last month. I don’t allow anybody in my room or go out of the room, except for the time I have to have my meals. Once I went out of the house to finish a chore and I started shedding tears whilst walking. I became the center of attention for onlookers.

At nights I sit on the roof and cry..cry for hours till the sun rises and the hot summer sun forces me to go inside. Then I sleep for a couple of hours and when I wake up, everything dawns upon me and I start crying again. It is traumatizing. I don’t remember the last time I smiled. I miss Rohan, I miss my friends, but I don’t want to talk to them, and most importantly I miss myself. But nothing can make me happy. This life is a burden and I can’t get through this. I have no one to talk to because if I discuss my relation with anyone, it will piss Rohan off. And I can’t afford to make him angry again.

I wonder what he must be going through. I was his first and I broke his trust. He will never be able to trust again. I know him. He doesn’t express himself but he is sad inside. He is the one suffering the most. I feel guilty. I wish I could turn back time. I could just bring back that one moment when he proposed me and tell him the truth…just that one moment! But what’s done cannot be undone. I have to live with the guilt of ruining his life.

But today things might change. I don’t have the slightest idea as to what direction things will take. Rohan is coming to see me today. He is going to meet me today after more than a month. I have to leave for my grandmother’s house in Punjab tomorrow and I will return after two months. So he has finally made up his mind to talk to me. This will be the first time after I told him the truth. That was over phone. I am scared to face him. How will I look at him? I am too ashamed to do that. How will I talk to him? What will I say? These questions are haunting me. I am trembling while writing this. He said he will be here in half an hour. This half an hour feels like a decade. It is the most difficult half an hour..but all I can do is wait…wait to see what turn my life will take.